Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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