Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
