You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
