Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
