Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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