At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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