My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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