my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
