u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
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You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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