I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize