I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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