I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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