She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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