this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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