dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Success! We fucked roommates!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
