from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
