I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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