Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
