i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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