Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
