morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
