Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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