i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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