Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
