I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
