if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
