had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
