I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
