Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
