You're my little dorito
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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