who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
