I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
