Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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