Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
