I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
