so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
