Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
