So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
