Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
