I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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