dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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