Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
