My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
