I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
