we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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