Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
