And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
