I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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