I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
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WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
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At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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