Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
