i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
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I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
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Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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