Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
there's paper in my vomit.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
