I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
