Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
