Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
