gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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