the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
