the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
